I really need you


now, please.

why

I should just be able to let things go...
let people go. it should be easier for me.

it's like I keep stabbing myself once my wounds are healed, but why?
do I like feeling this
it's painful
I know

I hate crying
especially about you.
I think you know I do.


I know something is wrong with me
but I don't want to talk about it with anyone

the only person I ever used to talk to would lecture me
and I would find it annoying.
because she's found a new outlook on life
I'm happy for her
but I need comforting
not lecturing.


so I'll keep it inside
again.


I shouldn't have seen you.
it had almost been 3 months.

I can only guess what you were doing during that time
I shouldn't assume or make up stupid stories in my head but I will
because that's all I can do, because I won't ask you.

the only thing that bugs me is that I don't understand
why you can't care just a little
and why I can't stop giving a fuck what goes on in your life.
because you don't care.

maybe it's pms
idk fuck it.

I don't want to become a bitter person with a cold heart.
I want to trust people and feelings
but today I think it's all bullshit.

sighsighsighsighsighdrooldrooldrooldrooldrool!

Love

Life is fun.
And I hope I never forget that


It's good to feel love from people.
Friends, Family, and one day a charming man will love me the way I always hoped for.


This weekend was very uplifting, the breath of fresh air I needed.


I saw 500 days of summer.
good movie, painfully true and it had a good message
joseph gordon-levitt is my new rush<3
ahahaha

nothing

I really don't want to feel so cold
like my insides died
and my heart is frozen in ice

my mind is still everywhere and nowhere at the same time
my mood is so uncaring.
but only when I'm alone.


when there aren't situations that occupy my senses, my thought process.


I am tired.
I don't want to say I regret anything because I guess I don't

but I would like to apologize to myself
because I never wanted you to feel any pain
but we were just so naive to everything
we were lured in by that light

like the prey of the Angler fish
we didn't see that mangled mess of teeth and pain we were swimming to.
I've had my fair share of pain

no one knows. and no one can understand
maybe that's why we've done the things we've done.
excuses to validate bad judgment.


life is wonderful and painful all at once.
almost everything is running smoothly.
and I am so grateful for all the good
I'm just trying to push out the bad
and I feel like I need to get a lot off my chest.
but I don't trust anyone with my feeling. not anymore.

this is me

this is me.
pretty honestly


fresh from sleep
no makeup
barely thinking.

you can only guess the secrets that lie within those eyes.









actually I honestly don't believe that eyes are the windows to your soul.
i don't really know what is...
eyes can be telling, but they can also be fake.

I hear the mouth is more telling..
that may be true
I don't really know.

cuz everything around me's changed
but the garden that you've planted remains

have heart

so last night I had a dream
you were in it


do dreams really mean anything?
probably


we were in the car, your friends in the backseat and someone handed you a photograph...and said "you were so happy when you were with her, the happiest you've been."
and I guess it was a picture of you and your ex.
and I was in the front seat with you and you didn't say anything
and I felt a sort of shame, embarrassment, and a sadness slipped into my stomach.

then I woke up at 6:15
and it was cool because the sky looked amazing

I don't really care about the dream...it was just strange...and all those feelings felt very real. But yeah I felt great when I woke up :] haha




I'm off to a wedding up north tomorrow
I like wedding even though I always say I hate them ;]


I bought film today
and I am extremely bored right now yaaay

Phoenix

I love Phoenix oh so much


There music always puts me in the best mood
makes me want to dance around...ME the bitch who hates dancing! haha

it's playful, nostalgic, perfect!
I love his voice.


AND I've recently stumbled upon Horse Feathers
I love them too.


Music is medicine for my soul

blubber

ok so my goal
1 month...get back to how I was 2 years ago [weight wise]
over doing it is the step I'm taking.


thanks k bye



in other news
I'm not taking summer school for the first time in my life...
which is really weird

I'm going to have free time
since the economy still sucks balls
and I don't particularly want to work at the kennel more than the shoe shit store....

hmmmm
I really really really don't enjoy free time like most people
I think I have a weird sort of anxiety about not being busy
it makes me really uncomfortable
so I'll go to the gym a lot
walk zoso
shoot as much film as I can and wait for the open lab to start so I can work in there as much as possible


I need models
maybe I should start networking on those I need models type of sites
I wish I could just pull some out of my pocket.fudge.





I need to catch up on sleep

le sigh

you


my house
my room
my bed
and feeling comfortable
you looked comfortable

I needed this











it was a good morning

this is it :]

I'm really excited.

I can finally say I'm on my way toward being a serious photographer
So far I have 3 jobs lined up for the summer
and I'm going to try this networking thing so I can get more!


gah I feel so good about this
I can't even describe it :]


I can't wait
for all of this to fall into place


I'm going to start a 4x5 project during the summer too.


in other news though
I'm busy
I like it
but then I always wonder about things


well actually I really don't mind that I'm busy
I mind other things though
recently it's been eating away at me slowly
I can't sleep
and when I wake up I think about it
before I go to sleep I think about it
whenever I'm not busy I think about it
but I don't want to think about it anymore

so much for that

this didn't last very long

I made a tumblr instead :P


I'll probably still use this to be a whiny brat.

http://candacewakefield.tumblr.com/
if you want to lurk me i don't care

spring time

spring is definitely my favorite season.

it's the in between
the change


the weather is perfect

you get a bit of everything



I need another backpack
for all my shizz when I go out taking pictures.

because I love this movie

home sweet home

NOT.

well I'm back

My trip was everything I hoped it would be :]
it was the breath of fresh air I needed.


I don't even know how to describe what seeing such beautiful landscapes does to me.
but it's an unbelievable feeling.

We left at 4 am [I drove most of the way]
but yeah as we passed through Lompoc or some other little town after that, the sky lightened and it was such a beautiful shade of blue. We were driving through clouds, and my only regret was that I couldn't find a place to pull over and snap shots in this fog, and of the clouds in this valley.

I'll just drive back ;]

every moment was breathtaking!
and I know I didn't take as many pictures as I thought I would
but I took enough
and it gives me reference for where I want to go if I go back.

I need to go with someone who enjoys hiking
and won't get tired easily...
because once I'm in the mood I don't want to slow down
and I want to explore every flower rich field, and sea cliff that comes my way


sigh.


and san francisco was of course amazing.
marianne and I walked through golden gate park again
all the way down to the beach
the water was so cold, but once I was numb it felt incredible.
and it was so clear!

the next morning I wandered off by myself because she had school.
I had breakfast at a little place on Haight st
photographed some random things
tried my continued multiple exposure project.

then made my way back

I wish I could have stayed.
but I know I'll have plenty more opportunities to explore the coast and sf


on the drive back one of the last stops I made was by a lighthouse.
it was so serene
I was of course not upclose and personal with the lighthouse
but in a field of yellow flowers that covered one of the cliffs near the sea that overlooked the lighthouse.


BEAUTIFUL!
aaaah


now I'm tired
my eyes were on overload!


spring break has been good to me so far
and hopefully it continues in this positive direction

another photo adventure later this week :]
and I'm going to continue playin with the 1:4 lens I borrowed.

great for portraits!!!aaaaah

I don't need you

I guess today I realized that I really don't need you.
Even if I feel a void for awhile...I'll be better off
and it was only a matter of time!

I hate to say that I hope one day YOU regret things
because that sounds dumb and mean
so I won't say that or think it

but I wish you happiness
and I hope you are able to show the world the good person I know lies within you
even though you failed to show him to me



anywho
now I feel relieved
:]

I can't wait for April
please hurry up and get here.

I have so many things to look forward too :]
:] :] :] :]


things are looking up!!!!
yay




Zoso has been such a pain in the ass these days.......
it's ridiculous

I love him and all but seriously!!!!!
he needs to simmer down


I'm reading Animal Liberation
I only read like 4 pages haha

and I need to write an art appreciation paper tomorrow
and paint

I only look forward to the latter

it's hard

I swear that it's so hard for me to keep positive.
I don't think it's noticeable because I'm constantly putting on this front that yes I'm fine la la la I'll just smile and this and that.

it's not so easy trying to live life by the law of attraction.
as dumb as it may sound to some people it's a nice thing to believe in.
I don't think people were put on this earth to suffer
and it shouldn't be so impossible to get what you want.

everything was really wonderful for awhile!
and as soon as I felt doubt is when it starts to slowly crumble...
I need some reinforcement
positive emotion

and I know it's there
I just need to drop these worries in the back of my mind
and some of this anger...and resentment.


my mind is drifting
and it's hard for me to keep focused on my goal...

I'm really going to start to bare down and work hard for what I want
clarity is on it's way
and I will just keep working hard.



I'm starting a serious portfolio
the problem is I need a lot of models haha
But then again I have an idea.
and I never make sense!
even in this blog that's mainly for myself I'm not completely open haha.

but yeah
route 1 trip will be amazing
and eye opening I think
I feel like that's when things are going to get serious, in a good way.

and I'm thankful for that
thank you thank you thank you.

going UP

I'm going up the coast





idk if I'm going by myself...or with my mom....or I might just bring Zoso haha.


bottom line! I'M GOING

List of things I need to bring:
-great cd mixes
-4 cameras
-20 rolls of film [haha maybe a bit less]
-clothes
-toiletries lol
-snacks?
-money


and I'll be going the first or second week of April...
whenever my spring break is


hopefully it's not raining....
I don't really want to drive off a cliff because I can't see

the purpose for this trip is for pleasure and photos
so what if it's been done a million times
it's new territory for me
and I'm ready to explore.



I can't wait to see you again.

closing the door

it's taken a lot for me to finally close the doors of my past
well of the last 2 years

And I felt so proud that I had finally accomplished my goal and finally felt free of these emotions that have constantly bombarded me for so long

I finally came to a realization that I deserve better
I know what I want now
and everything that isn't what I want doesn't need to be in my life


I dropped multiple people who have held me back from getting what I want
FINALLY

I felt everything was going in the right direction

but of course,
it didn't last very long haha

I deleted phone numbers, myspaces [haha]
and then POOF all of a sudden people who were ignoring me, and who I finally wanted to continue doing so, decide to reenter my life....
GREAT haha

3 people!
but 1 that hit me harder then the rest

I wish I was stronger sometimes

I value my personality and my ability to forgive
and my desire for everyone to be happy with themselves and have nothing but good to enter their lives...

I am glad I decided to help you
and I hope this opens so many doors for you! and leads you to success and happiness I know you want.
I just wish you didn't reopen this door for me...
a weekend of feeling vulnerable to those feelings I thought were behind me

I don't want to miss you
and it's hard for me to focus on the truth
the truth about how you treat me, and how you don't value me, or atleast how you don't show that you do.
It's hard for me to accept that just because I helped you with something very important doesn't mean that you'll love me for it. And it doesn't mean that you'll make an effort to appreciate me.

So after a weekend of missing you [well missing how I've always wished you were]
I realize that things don't change
and that you aren't the one I need
so why fret over it anymore?

I won't
and I feel free now haha
and I just needed to express how I felt over the weekend.

"i hope so too, you deserve the best candace, you really do"

"and i hope the same for you, because i hate hearing about this guy that is treating you like crap. youre so amazing and you really deserve someone amazing to complement yourself"

I just have to remind myself of this
and truly believe it


I love passing storm clouds
and I loved that feeling yesterday
when it started to pour at the beach
and I just stood there with my camera

it's a new year

happy new years to me


this year I am looking to find clarity
and I know I will

I need some direction
and I know I will be lead in the right direction


Thank you again!
for inspiring me
and opening my eyes and mind to what is possible

I'm not crazy
my desires and dreams aren't that far fetched

I can and will accomplish all these things on my mind
and I will find what I have been searching for
because it's been right in front of me
waiting for me, waiting so so patiently for me to be ready
and I am

I am ready for complete happiness
I am ready to have faith in my ideas
I am ready to love and be loved [I am already so thankful for the love I already have in my life]


Sometimes things seem so blurry, so uncertain and just so scary on this life long journey....
but maybe all you need is a new outlook...or a little focus...and you'll figure out you aren't lost...and that maybe you've been heading in the right direction all along