closing the door

it's taken a lot for me to finally close the doors of my past
well of the last 2 years

And I felt so proud that I had finally accomplished my goal and finally felt free of these emotions that have constantly bombarded me for so long

I finally came to a realization that I deserve better
I know what I want now
and everything that isn't what I want doesn't need to be in my life


I dropped multiple people who have held me back from getting what I want
FINALLY

I felt everything was going in the right direction

but of course,
it didn't last very long haha

I deleted phone numbers, myspaces [haha]
and then POOF all of a sudden people who were ignoring me, and who I finally wanted to continue doing so, decide to reenter my life....
GREAT haha

3 people!
but 1 that hit me harder then the rest

I wish I was stronger sometimes

I value my personality and my ability to forgive
and my desire for everyone to be happy with themselves and have nothing but good to enter their lives...

I am glad I decided to help you
and I hope this opens so many doors for you! and leads you to success and happiness I know you want.
I just wish you didn't reopen this door for me...
a weekend of feeling vulnerable to those feelings I thought were behind me

I don't want to miss you
and it's hard for me to focus on the truth
the truth about how you treat me, and how you don't value me, or atleast how you don't show that you do.
It's hard for me to accept that just because I helped you with something very important doesn't mean that you'll love me for it. And it doesn't mean that you'll make an effort to appreciate me.

So after a weekend of missing you [well missing how I've always wished you were]
I realize that things don't change
and that you aren't the one I need
so why fret over it anymore?

I won't
and I feel free now haha
and I just needed to express how I felt over the weekend.

"i hope so too, you deserve the best candace, you really do"

"and i hope the same for you, because i hate hearing about this guy that is treating you like crap. youre so amazing and you really deserve someone amazing to complement yourself"

I just have to remind myself of this
and truly believe it


I love passing storm clouds
and I loved that feeling yesterday
when it started to pour at the beach
and I just stood there with my camera

it's a new year

happy new years to me


this year I am looking to find clarity
and I know I will

I need some direction
and I know I will be lead in the right direction


Thank you again!
for inspiring me
and opening my eyes and mind to what is possible

I'm not crazy
my desires and dreams aren't that far fetched

I can and will accomplish all these things on my mind
and I will find what I have been searching for
because it's been right in front of me
waiting for me, waiting so so patiently for me to be ready
and I am

I am ready for complete happiness
I am ready to have faith in my ideas
I am ready to love and be loved [I am already so thankful for the love I already have in my life]


Sometimes things seem so blurry, so uncertain and just so scary on this life long journey....
but maybe all you need is a new outlook...or a little focus...and you'll figure out you aren't lost...and that maybe you've been heading in the right direction all along

Inspiration strikes again

today I had my final critique for my photography class
I feel it went well

I was happy with my work
for the circumstances

The time I allowed for myself was an issue of course...because I can't help but procrastinate
the models were an issue...because my friend is an asshole
and timing was an issue...once again because my friend is an ass

mallory really is a great model to work with
and hopefully she'll agree to help me with more of my work [but I'm not asking george again ever]


this was my first real conceptual piece
and I'm pleased what I came up with

I think I have a style
with my work

I can't wait to progress more and more
I'm not sure if I'm cut out for commercial work
I would like to do modeling shoots of course

but yeah
I like out of focus
blur
tension
darkness
...
I like that sort of art




I bought my Holga
and hopefully over winter break I'll have more of an opportunity to use it
I'm planning on buying a medium format camera as well
I like the square format
and I still have 4x5 film to experiment with

anyways that's all
:]
I feel better after critiques
...they make me feel as though I'm not just living in this fantasy where I believe I can actually become a photographer


John Gray's opinion matters a lot
and he inspires me
and I appreciate the things he has taught me this semester
and I can't wait to work with him again next semester :]

Inspired by the bruise on my arm

O, I'm gonna be wounded
O, I'm gonna be your wound


O, I'm gonna bruise you
O, you're gonna be my bruise

[from spring awakening]
I really enjoyed this musical

And I met some of the cast last night
And one of them liked my hair ;]
haha


The songs strike a chord in me...
maybe I can relate?
to some of them


I have this bruise on my arm and it hurts :[
I never feel comfortable looking at my own body
but in this shot I don't mind so much



I found a kitten last night
I brought her home
I've fallen in love again haha
...me and animals...
I'm ridiculous
I can't keep her :/
but I'm hoping maybe

make believe

Duane Michals....

another inspiration

definitely!


his multiple exposures are amazing
and idk...his images are very powerful with the text he includes


we had that discussion today in class...
maybe sometimes the image isn't enough?
but then again maybe words overpower the message...or limit the message

I'm buying a Holga tomorrow
and I'm expecting it to be amazing :]
so it will be




I feel a very big need for love right now :/


I also ran across some very beautiful music today
Jeremy Larson

I hope you make profound impressions on peoples souls
just like you did to mine :]

it's amazing when music touches you...and i've only known he existed for less than 3 hours haha
I wish him much success!

Never have a felt so inspired...

I've always found it somewhat strange that I have no real set knowledge about any well renowned photographers...even though I am seriously interested in photography

I think someone has finally struck a chord within me...in a good way
I felt a connection as soon as my eyes focused in on what John was showing us in class
Every aspect of his work is inspiring
The lighting...
the contrasting textures of nature and the human skin...
conceptually amazing...and I think it allows open interpretation for the viewer.
I am awestruck by what I've seen, and to know he's created such breathe taking work with film just makes me like him even more :]

well anyways
I am talking about Wynn Bullock


This was the first image shown to me
I wish I could describe how it makes me feel
Everything about this is so beautiful...there is a rich darkness...and the glorious light of the human form laying in the foliage
AMAZING



This one is so mysterious
I don't know...I really love dark images
This is perfectly exposed in my eyes, and interested me because it's a multiple exposure.
I think that is a form of photography I would like to become more knowledgeable about. I will continue working on them...because they are just more complex and interesting to look at



I love long exposures...
enough said
everything is so fluid...has a misty look to it
and it's just so beautiful
I need to do some more

anyways
I'm in love
and inspired