I don't need you

I guess today I realized that I really don't need you.
Even if I feel a void for awhile...I'll be better off
and it was only a matter of time!

I hate to say that I hope one day YOU regret things
because that sounds dumb and mean
so I won't say that or think it

but I wish you happiness
and I hope you are able to show the world the good person I know lies within you
even though you failed to show him to me



anywho
now I feel relieved
:]

I can't wait for April
please hurry up and get here.

I have so many things to look forward too :]
:] :] :] :]


things are looking up!!!!
yay




Zoso has been such a pain in the ass these days.......
it's ridiculous

I love him and all but seriously!!!!!
he needs to simmer down


I'm reading Animal Liberation
I only read like 4 pages haha

and I need to write an art appreciation paper tomorrow
and paint

I only look forward to the latter

it's hard

I swear that it's so hard for me to keep positive.
I don't think it's noticeable because I'm constantly putting on this front that yes I'm fine la la la I'll just smile and this and that.

it's not so easy trying to live life by the law of attraction.
as dumb as it may sound to some people it's a nice thing to believe in.
I don't think people were put on this earth to suffer
and it shouldn't be so impossible to get what you want.

everything was really wonderful for awhile!
and as soon as I felt doubt is when it starts to slowly crumble...
I need some reinforcement
positive emotion

and I know it's there
I just need to drop these worries in the back of my mind
and some of this anger...and resentment.


my mind is drifting
and it's hard for me to keep focused on my goal...

I'm really going to start to bare down and work hard for what I want
clarity is on it's way
and I will just keep working hard.



I'm starting a serious portfolio
the problem is I need a lot of models haha
But then again I have an idea.
and I never make sense!
even in this blog that's mainly for myself I'm not completely open haha.

but yeah
route 1 trip will be amazing
and eye opening I think
I feel like that's when things are going to get serious, in a good way.

and I'm thankful for that
thank you thank you thank you.

going UP

I'm going up the coast





idk if I'm going by myself...or with my mom....or I might just bring Zoso haha.


bottom line! I'M GOING

List of things I need to bring:
-great cd mixes
-4 cameras
-20 rolls of film [haha maybe a bit less]
-clothes
-toiletries lol
-snacks?
-money


and I'll be going the first or second week of April...
whenever my spring break is


hopefully it's not raining....
I don't really want to drive off a cliff because I can't see

the purpose for this trip is for pleasure and photos
so what if it's been done a million times
it's new territory for me
and I'm ready to explore.



I can't wait to see you again.

closing the door

it's taken a lot for me to finally close the doors of my past
well of the last 2 years

And I felt so proud that I had finally accomplished my goal and finally felt free of these emotions that have constantly bombarded me for so long

I finally came to a realization that I deserve better
I know what I want now
and everything that isn't what I want doesn't need to be in my life


I dropped multiple people who have held me back from getting what I want
FINALLY

I felt everything was going in the right direction

but of course,
it didn't last very long haha

I deleted phone numbers, myspaces [haha]
and then POOF all of a sudden people who were ignoring me, and who I finally wanted to continue doing so, decide to reenter my life....
GREAT haha

3 people!
but 1 that hit me harder then the rest

I wish I was stronger sometimes

I value my personality and my ability to forgive
and my desire for everyone to be happy with themselves and have nothing but good to enter their lives...

I am glad I decided to help you
and I hope this opens so many doors for you! and leads you to success and happiness I know you want.
I just wish you didn't reopen this door for me...
a weekend of feeling vulnerable to those feelings I thought were behind me

I don't want to miss you
and it's hard for me to focus on the truth
the truth about how you treat me, and how you don't value me, or atleast how you don't show that you do.
It's hard for me to accept that just because I helped you with something very important doesn't mean that you'll love me for it. And it doesn't mean that you'll make an effort to appreciate me.

So after a weekend of missing you [well missing how I've always wished you were]
I realize that things don't change
and that you aren't the one I need
so why fret over it anymore?

I won't
and I feel free now haha
and I just needed to express how I felt over the weekend.

"i hope so too, you deserve the best candace, you really do"

"and i hope the same for you, because i hate hearing about this guy that is treating you like crap. youre so amazing and you really deserve someone amazing to complement yourself"

I just have to remind myself of this
and truly believe it


I love passing storm clouds
and I loved that feeling yesterday
when it started to pour at the beach
and I just stood there with my camera

it's a new year

happy new years to me


this year I am looking to find clarity
and I know I will

I need some direction
and I know I will be lead in the right direction


Thank you again!
for inspiring me
and opening my eyes and mind to what is possible

I'm not crazy
my desires and dreams aren't that far fetched

I can and will accomplish all these things on my mind
and I will find what I have been searching for
because it's been right in front of me
waiting for me, waiting so so patiently for me to be ready
and I am

I am ready for complete happiness
I am ready to have faith in my ideas
I am ready to love and be loved [I am already so thankful for the love I already have in my life]


Sometimes things seem so blurry, so uncertain and just so scary on this life long journey....
but maybe all you need is a new outlook...or a little focus...and you'll figure out you aren't lost...and that maybe you've been heading in the right direction all along

Inspiration strikes again

today I had my final critique for my photography class
I feel it went well

I was happy with my work
for the circumstances

The time I allowed for myself was an issue of course...because I can't help but procrastinate
the models were an issue...because my friend is an asshole
and timing was an issue...once again because my friend is an ass

mallory really is a great model to work with
and hopefully she'll agree to help me with more of my work [but I'm not asking george again ever]


this was my first real conceptual piece
and I'm pleased what I came up with

I think I have a style
with my work

I can't wait to progress more and more
I'm not sure if I'm cut out for commercial work
I would like to do modeling shoots of course

but yeah
I like out of focus
blur
tension
darkness
...
I like that sort of art




I bought my Holga
and hopefully over winter break I'll have more of an opportunity to use it
I'm planning on buying a medium format camera as well
I like the square format
and I still have 4x5 film to experiment with

anyways that's all
:]
I feel better after critiques
...they make me feel as though I'm not just living in this fantasy where I believe I can actually become a photographer


John Gray's opinion matters a lot
and he inspires me
and I appreciate the things he has taught me this semester
and I can't wait to work with him again next semester :]

Inspired by the bruise on my arm

O, I'm gonna be wounded
O, I'm gonna be your wound


O, I'm gonna bruise you
O, you're gonna be my bruise

[from spring awakening]
I really enjoyed this musical

And I met some of the cast last night
And one of them liked my hair ;]
haha


The songs strike a chord in me...
maybe I can relate?
to some of them


I have this bruise on my arm and it hurts :[
I never feel comfortable looking at my own body
but in this shot I don't mind so much



I found a kitten last night
I brought her home
I've fallen in love again haha
...me and animals...
I'm ridiculous
I can't keep her :/
but I'm hoping maybe