because I love this movie

home sweet home

NOT.

well I'm back

My trip was everything I hoped it would be :]
it was the breath of fresh air I needed.


I don't even know how to describe what seeing such beautiful landscapes does to me.
but it's an unbelievable feeling.

We left at 4 am [I drove most of the way]
but yeah as we passed through Lompoc or some other little town after that, the sky lightened and it was such a beautiful shade of blue. We were driving through clouds, and my only regret was that I couldn't find a place to pull over and snap shots in this fog, and of the clouds in this valley.

I'll just drive back ;]

every moment was breathtaking!
and I know I didn't take as many pictures as I thought I would
but I took enough
and it gives me reference for where I want to go if I go back.

I need to go with someone who enjoys hiking
and won't get tired easily...
because once I'm in the mood I don't want to slow down
and I want to explore every flower rich field, and sea cliff that comes my way


sigh.


and san francisco was of course amazing.
marianne and I walked through golden gate park again
all the way down to the beach
the water was so cold, but once I was numb it felt incredible.
and it was so clear!

the next morning I wandered off by myself because she had school.
I had breakfast at a little place on Haight st
photographed some random things
tried my continued multiple exposure project.

then made my way back

I wish I could have stayed.
but I know I'll have plenty more opportunities to explore the coast and sf


on the drive back one of the last stops I made was by a lighthouse.
it was so serene
I was of course not upclose and personal with the lighthouse
but in a field of yellow flowers that covered one of the cliffs near the sea that overlooked the lighthouse.


BEAUTIFUL!
aaaah


now I'm tired
my eyes were on overload!


spring break has been good to me so far
and hopefully it continues in this positive direction

another photo adventure later this week :]
and I'm going to continue playin with the 1:4 lens I borrowed.

great for portraits!!!aaaaah

I don't need you

I guess today I realized that I really don't need you.
Even if I feel a void for awhile...I'll be better off
and it was only a matter of time!

I hate to say that I hope one day YOU regret things
because that sounds dumb and mean
so I won't say that or think it

but I wish you happiness
and I hope you are able to show the world the good person I know lies within you
even though you failed to show him to me



anywho
now I feel relieved
:]

I can't wait for April
please hurry up and get here.

I have so many things to look forward too :]
:] :] :] :]


things are looking up!!!!
yay




Zoso has been such a pain in the ass these days.......
it's ridiculous

I love him and all but seriously!!!!!
he needs to simmer down


I'm reading Animal Liberation
I only read like 4 pages haha

and I need to write an art appreciation paper tomorrow
and paint

I only look forward to the latter

it's hard

I swear that it's so hard for me to keep positive.
I don't think it's noticeable because I'm constantly putting on this front that yes I'm fine la la la I'll just smile and this and that.

it's not so easy trying to live life by the law of attraction.
as dumb as it may sound to some people it's a nice thing to believe in.
I don't think people were put on this earth to suffer
and it shouldn't be so impossible to get what you want.

everything was really wonderful for awhile!
and as soon as I felt doubt is when it starts to slowly crumble...
I need some reinforcement
positive emotion

and I know it's there
I just need to drop these worries in the back of my mind
and some of this anger...and resentment.


my mind is drifting
and it's hard for me to keep focused on my goal...

I'm really going to start to bare down and work hard for what I want
clarity is on it's way
and I will just keep working hard.



I'm starting a serious portfolio
the problem is I need a lot of models haha
But then again I have an idea.
and I never make sense!
even in this blog that's mainly for myself I'm not completely open haha.

but yeah
route 1 trip will be amazing
and eye opening I think
I feel like that's when things are going to get serious, in a good way.

and I'm thankful for that
thank you thank you thank you.

going UP

I'm going up the coast





idk if I'm going by myself...or with my mom....or I might just bring Zoso haha.


bottom line! I'M GOING

List of things I need to bring:
-great cd mixes
-4 cameras
-20 rolls of film [haha maybe a bit less]
-clothes
-toiletries lol
-snacks?
-money


and I'll be going the first or second week of April...
whenever my spring break is


hopefully it's not raining....
I don't really want to drive off a cliff because I can't see

the purpose for this trip is for pleasure and photos
so what if it's been done a million times
it's new territory for me
and I'm ready to explore.



I can't wait to see you again.

closing the door

it's taken a lot for me to finally close the doors of my past
well of the last 2 years

And I felt so proud that I had finally accomplished my goal and finally felt free of these emotions that have constantly bombarded me for so long

I finally came to a realization that I deserve better
I know what I want now
and everything that isn't what I want doesn't need to be in my life


I dropped multiple people who have held me back from getting what I want
FINALLY

I felt everything was going in the right direction

but of course,
it didn't last very long haha

I deleted phone numbers, myspaces [haha]
and then POOF all of a sudden people who were ignoring me, and who I finally wanted to continue doing so, decide to reenter my life....
GREAT haha

3 people!
but 1 that hit me harder then the rest

I wish I was stronger sometimes

I value my personality and my ability to forgive
and my desire for everyone to be happy with themselves and have nothing but good to enter their lives...

I am glad I decided to help you
and I hope this opens so many doors for you! and leads you to success and happiness I know you want.
I just wish you didn't reopen this door for me...
a weekend of feeling vulnerable to those feelings I thought were behind me

I don't want to miss you
and it's hard for me to focus on the truth
the truth about how you treat me, and how you don't value me, or atleast how you don't show that you do.
It's hard for me to accept that just because I helped you with something very important doesn't mean that you'll love me for it. And it doesn't mean that you'll make an effort to appreciate me.

So after a weekend of missing you [well missing how I've always wished you were]
I realize that things don't change
and that you aren't the one I need
so why fret over it anymore?

I won't
and I feel free now haha
and I just needed to express how I felt over the weekend.

"i hope so too, you deserve the best candace, you really do"

"and i hope the same for you, because i hate hearing about this guy that is treating you like crap. youre so amazing and you really deserve someone amazing to complement yourself"

I just have to remind myself of this
and truly believe it


I love passing storm clouds
and I loved that feeling yesterday
when it started to pour at the beach
and I just stood there with my camera

it's a new year

happy new years to me


this year I am looking to find clarity
and I know I will

I need some direction
and I know I will be lead in the right direction


Thank you again!
for inspiring me
and opening my eyes and mind to what is possible

I'm not crazy
my desires and dreams aren't that far fetched

I can and will accomplish all these things on my mind
and I will find what I have been searching for
because it's been right in front of me
waiting for me, waiting so so patiently for me to be ready
and I am

I am ready for complete happiness
I am ready to have faith in my ideas
I am ready to love and be loved [I am already so thankful for the love I already have in my life]


Sometimes things seem so blurry, so uncertain and just so scary on this life long journey....
but maybe all you need is a new outlook...or a little focus...and you'll figure out you aren't lost...and that maybe you've been heading in the right direction all along